


All I Want

by orphan_account



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Angst and Feels, Frerard, M/M, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-14
Updated: 2015-02-14
Packaged: 2018-03-12 21:17:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3355577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I dreamt about you again last night, but then again I can't think of many nights when I don't</p>
            </blockquote>





	All I Want

**Author's Note:**

> This one shot is based of the song All I Want by Kodaline. The song lyrics will be in Italics.

_All I want is nothing more_   
_To hear you knocking at my door_   
_'Cause if I could see your face once more_   
_I could die a happy man I'm sure_

I dreamt about you again last night, but then again I can't think of many nights when I don't. I have given up on sleeping now, it is 3 am and I have lost all hope. Whenever I close my eyes, your shock of red hair dances across my vision. Whenever I try to shut everything out, all I can hear is the gentle words you used to whisper in my ear. Your beautiful voice and amazing smile seemed to be engraved into my brain, relentlessly reminding me of what could have been.

I often close my eyes and imagine what would have happened if we had stayed together, how different our lives would be. For all I know, the band might still be together to this day, but instead I lay alone in my cold bed without you. I understand why you did it, why you married her, but it doesn't mean it made it hurt less. I suppose I should have moved on by now, it has been 7 years at least, but I can't help but fantasise what it would be like if you were here next to me like before.

The battering wind and rain outside seem to reflect my mood perfectly, the thunder and lightning adding to the theatrics. I am sure the weather is never like this for you in California; it must have been years since you have even come close to experiencing the dank New Jersey weather which sadly says something about how long it has been since we last conversed. I'd like to think one of those cliché moments would happen where I would hear you knocking on my door and we would reconcile like there was no unbearable tension from not speaking for so many years, yet I know in reality you are happy and I suppose at least the thought that you are content comforts me.

_When you said your last goodbye_   
_I died a little bit inside_   
_I lay in tears in bed all night_   
_Alone without you by my side_

I still have haven't gotten over it, whether that be the band I am referring to or our relationship, not even I can be sure, but in fleeting moments such as these, emotions overwhelm me more than I can comprehend. A part of me left me the moment you did, I suppose it could have been replaced over time, it nearly was, yet you completely shattered it into millions of irreplaceable shards the moment you ended all our hopes and dreams in a simple phone call. It all started and ended with an idea apparently.

Jamia has gone up to her mum's for a while, taking the kids with her. We haven't been doing well recently and I know it is all because of you which should give me all the more reason to hate you, yet I simply can't. I can feel the tears as they slowly begin to drip down my face and I hate myself for them, they make me weak. I remember when you used to cry, broken sobs rattling throughout your whole body. I would stay with you until you had calmed down because I knew there were no comforting words to make it better, I was there for you when nobody else was, but where are you now when I need you most? I know the answer but I wish it isn't true.

You are with her and you are happy with her. But where was she when you suffered through the drugs and alcohol? Where was she when you were suicidal, when you hated life so much you wanted to die? I talked you down from killing yourself, not her. I helped you get sober, not her. Yet it is her that you gave your heart to, not me. Jealousy is an unpleasant emotion, one that ruins even the most just and righteous of men, and I can feel it seep throughout my body. It is unfair but so is life.

_But if you loved me_   
_Why'd you leave me?_   
_Take my body_   
_Take my body_   
_All I want is,_   
_And all I need is_   
_To find somebody._   
_I'll find somebody like you._

I am not even going to deny that I love you because that would be lying, and unlike you, I do not lie. You said that you loved me, you would whisper it in my ear before we went on stage, you would say it against my skin as you fervently kissed my neck, you would murmur it gently when you thought I was asleep...and I believed you. But it was all just a lie, wasn't it? One huge façade. If you truly loved me, you would never have married her behind my back. You didn't even tell me, I honestly thought we were happy until I saw the golden wedding band wrapped around your finger.

Only a week before, you said those ominous three words, words that were supposed to mean everything between us. You said it as we lay together, just you and me. You said it as you pressed your lips against mine. You said it as I gave myself to you, unknowing to the fact it would be the last time. How could I have been so stupid? Looking back now, you were so nervous, your anxiety was obvious, yet I was so in love that it made me blind. I'm not sure whether you took advantage of that or if you just didn't want to hurt me, you did the latter anyway.

It took me months to recover, maybe years even, can broken hearts truly ever be healed? I often found myself drifting towards people like you, whether it be the ink black hair or their artistic flare, they all ended up being similar to you somehow which is probably why none of them never worked out, they were  _too_  similar to you and the reminder was very unwelcome, so when I met Jamia, she seemed perfect. I'm not sure if she can fix the hole in my heart that you created, but she can help me forget that it was there in the first place and that is why I love her so much yet without you, I don't think I will ever truly be happy.

_So you brought out the best of me,_  
 _A part of me I've never seen._  
 _You took my soul and wiped it clean._  
 _Our love was made for movie screens_.

When I was with you, I was like a different person. I'm not sure what it was about you that did it, but my smile seemed to reach higher, my laugh was more real. I miss being able to be so carefree and happy, I miss the way I felt whenever I was near you. I miss  _us_. Despite the fact we never told anybody about our relationship, they just knew. I could tell from the way Mikey looked at us sometimes that he could see it but he never said anything, none of them did. Nobody ever objected to us so what made you decide to end it?

We worked so well together, you and I, you were the missing piece to my puzzle as it were yet as soon as it was complete, you tore it apart, scattering the pieces everywhere, some never to be found again. I can come up with as many analogies for your heartless breakup as I like, but it still won't change the reality of the situation- you are gone and you are never coming back, never coming  _home_.

You made so many empty promises and I believed them all. Do you remember we once said that we would run away together? " _You can run away with me any time you want, Frankie_ "you whispered in my ear. It was when we were both at our worst, the drugs and alcohol an almost permanent haze in our lives that never went away. We made plans and everything. We were going to go back to Jersey, just you and me to start afresh, away from everybody else. We probably would have done it as well if it was not for Mikey. I know you could never leave him behind.

You know sometimes I wonder if you truly did love me at all or if it was all an elaborate act. I always thought you were too good to be true, no one could ever be that happy unless they were in a movie and even then they are fake, unreal. Even I realise that those stage kisses were to please the crowd but what about the intimate ones, were they because you wanted it or was I just a fuck you? To quote your own song, 'It's not love if it's just fucking' is it?

_But if you loved me_   
_Why'd you leave me?_   
_Take my body,_   
_Take my body._   
_All I want is,_   
_And all I need is_   
_To find somebody._   
_I'll find somebody._

I miss you. I need you. All I want is nothing now. All I wanted was  _you,_ Gerard.

**Author's Note:**

> It was short and sad. Those feels were painful and unexpected. I'm sorry.


End file.
